Helping tipsy hostesses find the potty.

Yo Ho Ho, A Bottle of Rum and a Baby Shower

I attended the sock monkey-themed baby shower of a friend this past weekend. She’s an older new mom like me, and her baby boy is due next month. Her shower was adorable and very dignified. It was a far cry from my shower for Mr. Man in January.

Is it just me, or does Captain Jack look scandalized?

I had thirteen shower hostesses, the majority of whom I’d graduated high school with. As adults, we’d reconnected and formed a close-knit group that got together frequently for crafting. At least, that’s what we told our husbands. What we mainly did was drink wine and tell bawdy stories. Now that I think about it, Mr. Man may have been conceived after one of our “crafting” parties, but I digress.

The cutest cake pops ever, of which I ate five.

My hostesses had outdone themselves preparing my shower. The pirate theme matched Mr. Man’s nursery. The decorations were gorgeous, with a giant pirate ship mast as a centerpiece. There were beautiful hand-decorated pirate cake pops, sandwiches, a vegetable tray and a giant vat of ocean-colored punch in which pirate rubber duckies floated merrily.  And watching over it all was a life-sized Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. It was enough to make a heavily-pregnant woman drool.

Each guest was given a stack of gold coins and an eye patch. Anyone who said the word “baby” would have their coins confiscated. At the end of the shower whoever plundered the most gold coins would be proclaimed Head Pirate.

Well, it was MY shower and I wanted to be Head Pirate. I became razor sharp, listening in to any conversation and demanding the coins of anyone who slipped up and said the “B” word with an outstretched palm and snapping of fingers. I was totally in the zone, which was probably why I didn’t notice my hostesses were getting drunk.

Me and Kelly

Awareness of their inebriation was slow to dawn on my competitive brain. Even as we sat down to open baby gifts, I remained focused on anyone who might say the forbidden “B” word. Kelly, my best friend from Dallas, was assigned to record the baby gifts to make thank you notes easier (not a random assignment, since she was one of only two hostesses who do not imbibe). She was also one of two hostessess who didn’t have any children and she amused me endlessly by asking what each item was for. My favorite exchange happened as I opened a baby grooming kit.

Kelly: What is that?

Kenja: A grooming kit.

Kelly: You have to groom a baby? What is that bulby-thing?

Kenja: A baby snot sucker.

Kelly: Oh my God. I think I’m going to be sick.

So you can understand why it took me so long to notice the slow disappearance of the majority of my hostesses. I think the howling laughter coming from the kitchen was my first clue that something was amiss.

It got louder with each gift I opened. I became distracted and said the “B” word three different times, losing all my gold coins. I quickly finished opening the gifts. Guests adjourned to the dining room to partake of the food offerings and I made a beeline for the kitchen.

Karissa getting into the theme

“What in the world is going on in here?” I demanded, surprising my friends who looked at me guiltily. I noticed Karissa slowly hiding a bottle behind her.

“Is that Malibu rum?” They were drinking my favorite drink. At my shower. Knowing I couldn’t.

I found out later that the howling laughter was my tipsy friends taking pictures of themselves doing unwholesome things to the Captain Jack Sparrow cut-out while I opened gifts.

They felt so guilty that each donated their pile of gold coins to me. I won Head Pirate by a landslide.

Helping tipsy hostesses find the potty.

So a normal and dignified baby shower it was not. Still, it was a perfect reflection of a group of long-time friends who don’t take life too seriously. Looking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

54 Responses to Yo Ho Ho, A Bottle of Rum and a Baby Shower

  1. Karissa
    - June 18, 2012 Reply

    LOLOLOLOLOL I thought it was a very delightful shower!

    • Kenja
      - June 18, 2012 Reply

      Of course you did, you were the one holding the rum! Actually, it was the best baby shower in the whole world, and someday Mr. Man will know it!

  2. Suzanne Bogue
    - June 18, 2012 Reply

    I wish someone had let me in on the whole rum thang! I’m always outside the circle. Darn.

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      Yeah, well join the outside the circle club! :)

      • Suzanne Bogue
        - June 19, 2012 Reply

        I am so clueless and older than you. I started the club! LOL

  3. 50peach
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    I’m with Kelly. Deciphering baby registries feels like I’m reading Swahili… what the hell is this doohickey? It goes WHERE?

    And please. TELL me there are pics of your friends molesting Jack Sparrow.
    50peach recently posted..A Higher EducationMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      I’m sure there are; however, I’m not privy to them because I have a blog/blackmail.

  4. Mayor Gia
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    Hahaha that sounds like a great shower! The only downside being that you couldn’t drink too.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..The Futon of Death May Literally Be Trying to Kill MeMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      I’m slowly regaining my drinking stamina. I’ll need it for when Mr. Man hits the terrible twos. :)

  5. tara pohlkotte
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    that sounds amazing! just perfect. we threw my son a pirate birthday party last year, me and 5 friends, we outdressed and outdid the kids, that’s for sure :)
    tara pohlkotte recently posted..This Life His Hands Have BuiltMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      So you guys had more fun than the kiddos? Sounds about right! :)

  6. Delilah
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    Ummmm…that sounds like the perfect shower to me. Haha!
    Delilah recently posted..Matt versus the MouseMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      It really was! I heard the after-party was great too, but I was too tired to go! :)

  7. Carrie
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    I’m jealous, it sounded like your baby shower was a blast. Mine was LAME. I’m sorry you didn’t get to drink your favourite cocktail, but the baby won’t be in there forever!

    :)
    Carrie recently posted..WelcomeMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      Carrie:
      Mr. Man is 4 months old now and I have worked on slowly catching up to my crazy friends in the Malibu department. :)

  8. Michelle Longo
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    Sounds like such a fun time!!
    Michelle Longo recently posted..Put. Keep.My Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      It was fun! I didn’t even talk about having to walk the plank!

      • Suzanne Bogue
        - June 19, 2012 Reply

        OOO! I knew I left too soon! Tell us about walking the plank.

        • Kenja
          - June 19, 2012 Reply

          You don’t remember walking the plank as you entered the house? They teased me all week saying I would have to walk the plank, which scared the heck out of me because I know them. Then it turned out we all “walked the plank” as we entered the house. It was just a big board that said “plank” on it.

  9. Deb
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    hahahaha – your friends sound like they would be fun to have at any party.
    And I love the bathroom photo. lol
    Deb recently posted..My Dad Just Doesn’t “Get” It.My Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      My friends are crazy. We regularly get kicked out of restaurants for having too much fun. Yep, I thought the bathroom X marks the spot was to help the preggy find the bathroom, turns out it was for the drunk hostesses!

  10. Joe
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    As a guy, it’s hard for me to appreciate the whole baby shower experience, except for the pirates and ru.,
    Joe recently posted..Sleep BattlesMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      That’s why it’s the perfect theme–appeals to guys and girls too!

  11. thedoseofreality
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    Well, really, is there any better baby shower on the planet? I don’t think so! ;) :)
    thedoseofreality recently posted..Sorry Kids, Mommy Is a MoronMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      They’re available for weddings and bar mitzvahs if you need them! :)

  12. christina
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    sounds like a BLAST! :) Argh! ;)
    christina recently posted..Dream bigMy Profile

  13. Dawn Beronilla
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    Now THAT sounds like a party!
    I like how you told the story! It was funny, easy to follow, and well told. The thought of a baby being conceived after a crafting party had me laughing out loud!
    Your friends sound awesome.
    Dawn Beronilla recently posted..My Second-Hand Dad.My Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      Aw, thank you for the nice feedback, Dawn! They are pretty awesome!

      • Ronnie
        - July 9, 2012 Reply

        What a great shower. Texans rllaey know how to do a party, don’t they?Visiting your blog for the first time and I love it. Thanks for visiting my blog today.

  14. You know it’s a good baby shower when the pregnant woman isn’t the only one puking.
    Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..What Judd Apatow Taught Me About ParentingMy Profile

  15. deborah l quinn
    - June 19, 2012 Reply

    long-time friends (i don’t say “old” friends any more…it hits too close to home!) are the best, aren’t they? sounds like Big Fun. At least they *tried* to be discreet with the rum… :)
    deborah l quinn recently posted..Monday-ish listicle: if I had a thousand dollars I would…My Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 19, 2012 Reply

      I don’t think poor Johnny Depp thought they were being discreet! :)

  16. This is FABULOUS!!! Love it! Especially the treasure hunt!

    • Kenja
      - June 20, 2012 Reply

      I wasn’t digging for THAT treasure!

  17. Robbie
    - June 20, 2012 Reply

    sounds like my kind of baby shower!
    Robbie recently posted..Ripped AwayMy Profile

  18. Kristen
    - June 20, 2012 Reply

    Sounds like a lot of fun. glad, i mean sad, i mean glad that they got toasted at your shower ;)
    Kristen recently posted..And then I got stuck in the butt with 8 big needles….My Profile

  19. Julie
    - June 20, 2012 Reply

    That sounds like a blast! I don’t like to drink much anymore anyway, and watching tipsy folk is always entertaining.

    • Kenja
      - June 20, 2012 Reply

      These girls are wild enough without alcohol! They’re totally crazy with it!

  20. Kathleen
    - June 20, 2012 Reply

    What a hilarious story! I want an invite to your next bash. :)
    Kathleen recently posted..Memories of the Men Who Raised MeMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 20, 2012 Reply

      Kathleen, you got it! :)

  21. Christie
    - June 20, 2012 Reply

    Sounds like a great party!
    Christie recently posted..Awash In TwilightMy Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 20, 2012 Reply

      It was a fun party! I look forward to the next one where I can partake!

  22. Louise Ducote
    - June 20, 2012 Reply

    Wonderful! Loved the story of the party and your baby is adorable! Big hug from a fellow Texan!
    Louise Ducote recently posted..Here, This Is For YouMy Profile

  23. Christie O. Tate
    - June 21, 2012 Reply

    ARe you kidding me? I am dying. Can I come to your next baby shower??????
    Christie O. Tate recently posted..My Kid’s Gonna Bust Through The Glass Ceiling (Wearing Plastic Boots From Old Navy)My Profile

    • Kenja
      - June 21, 2012 Reply

      If there IS a need for a next baby shower, we are all in big trouble. I’ve closed THAT factory and sent all the workers home!

  24. Kelli
    - June 21, 2012 Reply

    Had I known I would have invited all Your friends to my dignified shower! Oh wait… It was in a church. Maybe after mine is born we can have a shots shower. It’s that thing where you buy new older moms a shot every time someone says the B word… And I don’t mean baby!

    • Kenja
      - June 21, 2012 Reply

      I know lots of good B words. We could have lots of fun! But not till you’ve had the baby you refuse to name. :)

  25. Andrea
    - June 26, 2012 Reply

    I never thought that my toilet would appear on the INTRA-NET! BTW, you’ve known us forever….I make no apologies for the Malibu. We do get an invite to his first birthday right?!?!?!

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